How do we define ourselves?
As the new year begins, and we turn to think of new beginnings, resolutions and fresh starts, I find myself asking this question over and over again – probably because it’s at the core of any new, continuing or changing behavior. Am I an actor? A writer? A dancer? A teacher? Or am I a dreamer who should finally get a “real” job?
How I define myself is rarely how one of my student’s defines me; or their parent; or a neighbor; or an employer; or a family member. So as I consider a fresh start to the new year, and new year’s resolutions and all that, I figured this would be a good place to begin. How are we defined?
Recently, a friend posted this 2012 article, in which it states that “the world only cares about what it can get from you” and “who you are inside only matters because of what it makes you do.” Alright, yes, those are harsh truths, but what about the realization that the world simply might not know what it can get from you? That you can start doing something RIGHT NOW to show who you are and what you have to give?
I don’t think I brag enough about what I do. If today’s capitalistic marketplace is centered on “what people can get from you” and “showing what you’re producing,” I have an awful habit to work in the background and hope that my efforts get noticed. I volunteer but I don’t post about it. I perform pretty regularly but I don’t publicize it. I’ve noticed huge improvements in the students I teach, but I don’t document it. In a perfect world, we work for the sake of the work itself and care nothing about the recognition. But in this industry, and probably also others, that’s really “not enough.” A performer is nothing without their reputation. Nobody will hire you if they don’t know who you are. Good, bad or indifferent, this is why performers do crazy things to stay in the limelight – they have to remain someone that other people are talking about.
I didn’t grow up with Instagram. (Yes, I am THAT old). I kept a journal, but a blog was unheard of and, if you had some poetic emotion you had to express, you posted it as an ambiguous AIM status, you didn’t post or tweet or blog about it. When I’m working, I’m usually focused on what I need to do to stay focused beforehand, doing what I need to do during, and removing makeup and getting home afterward. Taking selfies is . . . not a part of the ritual. But taking selfies, be it backstage, at concerts, on vacation, with your buddies, at your home, while you’re happy, while you’re alone, while rehearsing, with your pets . . . they can help define you. “This is me,” you’re saying. “This is me, doing what I do.”
So how do we “define ourselves” without selfies? How do we choose which aspects of our personalities, our histories and our lives to emphasize, recall and project to the world?
Well, I don’t make a lot of money. This immediately dismisses me from the typical American capitalist definition of “success.” I *can* make some decent money in one go, especially with the right project and when specialty skills are required, but those opportunities tend to be few and far between, because, unfortunately, events happen every day without the added expense of a performance. So, it usually doesn’t add up to much at the end of the year. Then, with teaching, you’re either working too many hours for not enough pay or, if you’re making enough per hour, you’re not working enough hours. So, there’s that.
I love dancing. And I dance . . . Actually, I’m a pretty decent dancer. Despite the fact that a number of fellow actors have heard every weird excuse from me about “not wanting to be known as a dancer,” it’s a huge part of me, it’s a huge defining factor, and my relationship to movement and music tends to be a freeing and expressive endeavor. I had some early experiences that made me consider a career in the ballet world; attending summer intensives at SAB, ABT and Juilliard will make you do that. But, as much as I love and respect ballet, and I still perform in pointe shoes from time to time, I have always preferred a place just outside of the ballet world; be it my love for story telling, my unfortunate tendency to extend just a little too high or suspend just a little too long, the world of comedy and tragedy always seemed more interesting and attractive to me than the world of stretching and rosin.
I enjoy writing. Sometimes I worry my prose is too obtuse to understand, but I do enjoy putting words to paper (or fingers to keyboard) to weave words in our language into poetic strands of description and narrative. I also really love reading old stuff that other people find dusty and boring. I’m working on maintaining the writing habit. I did NaNoWriMo2015 and I’ve started (and mostly finished) three ambitious novel writing projects, in addition to the ten or so 20-40 minute scripts I’ve written in record time for various student projects. It’s not as much as some, but not bad for “a dancer.”
I love teaching. I teach with an artist-in-residence style, bringing lessons from my personal experiences in the outside world to guide future artists towards a happier, healthier (for your ligaments, alignment, sanity, etc.), and maybe even more prosperous career. I’m currently teaching ballet to competitive ice skaters. In addition to the cross-genre creativity required to present the material, I try to incorporate my own stories from competition (gymnastics, not ice skating) to address certain focus/nervousness/presentational lessons. Teaching, of course, encourages me to see my own practices through a more macrocosm-based filter, a wider lens. This is especially true when teaching theater.
I still do gymnastics. This is one of those activities where you have to master one skill in order to start working on another. You either do it or you don’t – it is really that simple. I can still do a round-off-back-handspring-back-tuck (for anyone who’s familiar) and anything easier than this, including front and side aerials and standing backs. I can also rival anyone who can hold a handstand for any length of time; it’s the basis of my contortion act. Yes, I have a contortion act. I also managed to make an act out of hula hooping (who knew, back when I won that hula hooping contest when I was 8, that I’d one day make money off of that silly little skill?!) and, while I’m not currently in a location zoned for practicing, I also perform with fire props and fire dance.
I read a lot of nonfiction. I don’t read as many scripts as I “should” as an actor. I also don’t read as much fiction anymore as I “should” as an aspiring writer (I did read a lot as a kid, and in HS and college). But this is a matter of habit; maybe I’ll make a point of changing my choice of reading material for the New Year. In fact, it’s pretty inevitable; most nonfiction books (i.e. about the way the brain works or society works or the body works) tend to say the same things over and over again once you’ve read enough on a particular subject. They’re getting easier to summarize and breeze through.
I love the HELL out of my loved ones. Yes, it takes me some time to trust new people but if you’re in my inner circle, there’s very little I won’t do for you. I’ll defend you to the moon and back. And I’ll easily give up my own plans to incorporate yours. The fact is we have very few days on this earth and we have to know where our priorities lie. Life is too short to waste time with the wrong people or doing the wrong things. Or to not share with someone how they’re special.
When I was 10 years old we went through the north wall of a category 5 hurricane and the subsequent years (yes, YEARS) of rebuilding afterward. There are probably many ways for a 5th grader to learn that tomorrow is never guaranteed, that physical belongings are just things, that words aren’t actions and it’s only family which makes a place a “home;” this was mine. I’m grateful with every passing anniversary that we not only survived, but, we also haven’t forgotten the the experience of loss, the process of rebuilding and learning to balance our desolation with hope.
So, if this is how I define myself, I encourage you to define yourself in a similar manner: what skills do you possess? What qualities drive you to act in a particular way? How do other people see you and how do you feel about it? Have there been events in your life that come back to your mind with consistency? Is how you see yourself consistent with how other people see you? And how can you make those two images more similar?
I wish you a happy new year and the best on your upcoming endeavors! Stay true to yourself and keep a clear picture of who that is with you, forever in your heart.
Erika Diane 