It’s January 1st, 2016!
Have you had your black-eyed peas and collard greens? Have you made your resolutions?
This year I hope to bridge the gap of “what I think I do” vs. “what other people think I do.” I know that sounds like an odd resolution to resolve, but hear me out here. It’s one thing to tell yourself “I don’t care what others think” in order to stay true to yourself, but it’s another one entirely when you choose to not care so much that you end up not presenting yourself accurately to the world. The truth is, we are entirely at the mercy of the stories other people create about us and what other people think about us.
I teach children. One of the things I really wish I could impress upon them is that it doesn’t matter what other people think.
But here’s the thing. It does.
If you’re the guy who LOOKS like he’s leaning back in his chair, lounging, while he’s working on three theoretical problems at once, you’re still the guy who looks like he’s goofing off. And if you’re constantly running around, rushing, frantic and harried, even when you’re just reading Facebook and watching your stocks or tweets or eBay bids, you’re going to look like you’re harder at work than the first guy. Appearances mean a lot. At least, they can.
I learned a long time ago to not make excuses. If I’m late, it’s because I didn’t leave the house on time. If I ended up in unpredictable traffic, I STILL didn’t leave the house on time. Even when my commute takes three times longer than usual (which has happened a frighteningly high number of times down here), I STILL just didn’t leave enough time to get there. I hate being at the mercy of traffic, I hate driving in Miami, I hate the fact that I’ve ended up on completely closed highways and our highway systems keep getting more and more congested and there’s really no other choice of transportation available to me (for those of you not in Miami, we have a very basic public transportation system that goes north and south, with the line ending a good 15 minute drive north of me, and a limited bus system that is still at the mercy of Miami traffic if you need to go anywhere off this basic line). But if I’m late, it’s still simply because I didn’t leave the house on time.
To others, this looks like I don’t care. Believe me, I CARE. I know that running late is a HUGE reflection on ME. I will attest that my stress levels are never higher than when I’m running late for someplace I need to be. But if I end up being late, there’s still no excuse. I just didn’t leave the house on time.
The next place I live, I hope I live more central to where things take place. As it is now, I’m one hour (or two, or three, depending on traffic) away from just about everything I need to do.
When I have a disagreement with someone, I try really hard to not discuss that disagreement with anyone else. Yes, my loved ones hear ALL ABOUT how this person behaved and how they did this horrible thing and ‘can you believe they think that’s appropriate behavior’ and ‘I never want to work with this person again,’ but on a social and professional level? Other people don’t need to know. They don’t need to know that I refuse to work for such and such a company because they didn’t pay me for 6 months or that my taxes were prepared incorrectly (ultimately screwing me over). They don’t need to know that I swore never to talk to you again because you shamed another girl and made her cry after she screwed up your attempt to steal makeup from the grocery store – like, it wasn’t even the fact that you shoplifted; it was the fact that you unabashedly made someone else cry because it didn’t even cross her unassuming mind that *that* was what you were attempting to do! But, the hardest lesson in “they don’t need to know” for me recently has been having to answer young students’ legitimate questions about things actively happening within their institution with maturity and finality when even I thought what was happening was outrageous and unfair. But I’ve done it. And I’ll mostly likely have to do it again. But it really sucks to adhere to this supposed code of honor, being outraged at something happening and wanting to call out the person doing it, but professional about how you’re dealing with the whole situation . . .
Which brings us back to “what defines us.” And bridging the gap between “what I think I do” vs. “what other people think I do.”
For one thing, the only people in these situations who would even have an inkling about how wonderfully I dealt with each situation would be the people on “the other side.” And the fact that they were on “the other side” makes them inherently more aware of their own experience than mine. I heard that first employer talk about and describe previous employees as “crazy.” When I went through my own experiences with them, I just assumed they started to do this same thing about me. Girls . . . are just cruel to one another. If someone in your group is talking about everyone else when they’re not there, don’t think you’re immune. You’ll be the topic the moment you’re not there, too. And chances are, whatever’s being said, ESPECIALLY if the spectators are laughing, will be highly embellished or entirely not true. To make the world aware of “what I think I did” in these situations (standing up for my rights, standing up for another’s feelings and being amazingly creative and kind in a cruel and unjust environment, respectively) would be to undo a little bit of “what I think I do” (remain civil and diplomatic in each of the situations). Even writing an amazingly ambiguous (and not finger pointing) blog risks unraveling the diplomacy that “I think I do.”
The truth is that, while at my core I believe how we feel about ourselves is far more important than how others feel about us, it’s other people who have the ability to hire or fire us. To make or break our reputations. To build or destroy how others define us.
So, for the New Year, I resolve to bridge this gap. I resolve to write more, post more, publish more pictures, document more events . . . I resolve to share the struggle (it’s not all finished products and polished performances), and hopefully provide insight to the sometimes-perky, sometimes-stand-off-ish, sometimes-outgoing and sometimes-wallflower me.
Erika Diane 