Hello world!
It’s interesting how the years just fly by anymore. Halloween came and went. Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas has come and gone. It felt like these holidays USED TO BE far more of AN EVENT when we were younger – something to build towards, anticipate, and hope for. Now, they’re just another day. Usually another day that simply comes with additional responsibilities and tasks to accomplish by day’s end.
Work doesn’t stop. The need to make money doesn’t stop. The slow patter towards far-off goals and yet unattainable things doesn’t stop. Responsibility doesn’t stop, you just have to ALSO cook a special meal, create space and time for special events, attend this party, participate in that tradition, buy these gifts, bake those cookies, write some cards, be there for certain people, reflect on where you were last year and where you want to go next year.
This time last year we were boarding a plane to Moscow. We were also traveling for about 12 hours already by this point. Our flights didn’t coordinate with each other so we had to gather all our luggage from domestic bag pickup, physically walk out of the airport, walk back in and go through customs.
It feels like yesterday. But it also feels like three years ago.
Looking forward.
This New Year’s I’ll be working again – my first New Year’s Eve since before my DVT – a cirque gig in Bimini. I’m excited. And freaked out. It’s solo work, which I love, and I’ve been working out during my free hours at the arena (between lessons), so I have a lot less to worry about than I think. But I hate flying. And overseas gigs tend to be stringently scheduled and, therefore, stressful. I just enjoy worrying about things before they happen. It’s a habit I want to break.
I’m also going to go audition for grad schools for the third year in a row. It’s funny; my work ethic is pretty damn high. My passion for my work is incredibly high. Those are the qualities I try to instill in my students. But my resiliency after setbacks is a constant struggle. I can’t help but reflect on the time lost when something doesn’t go exactly right the first time (or when you’re removed from a process right before finishing your tasks and accomplishing a goal). And yet, some of my most rewarding experiences have come after “failing” the first time around. But here I go again, willingly exposing an open wound to more salt. And worried that this time it won’t be a “positive” after a “fail.” All because I yearn to be back in an academic setting.
Don’t get me wrong! New lessons come from every direction in the professional world! They just tend to be more standalone techniques than unified in their approach. Besides, making money acting is probably preferable to paying tuition for the chance to act. But I just thrive in situations where the ultimate goal is clearly defined and the pathway opens before me. The degree at the end of the program is a clearly defined goal.
When I first considered “going back to school,” it was to get that piece of paper so I could be qualified to teach at a university level. I’ve been working with middle schoolers and, well, have been severely limited on the types of subjects and material we were able to study. Developmentally, I’d love to be teaching students who a) want to be there, b) already understand WHY what we’re doing is important, and c) want to push the limits of what we do forward. I’m floored by programs that don’t understand the importance of theater: why it’s pertinent to today’s society, why we need it now more than ever . . . I’m not interested in being famous but I AM interested in encouraging a more present, tolerant and aware society. And I thought that teaching older students would help me accomplish this.
But I’ve since become aware of how few university level jobs there actually are. And how many applicants are competing for them. And how those two pieces of information are more important to the equation than my personal mission.
I’ll leave this for now. But I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, be it Hannukkah, Christmas, Saturnalia, or anything else you choose. Here’s hoping we all find peace in the New Year.
Erika Diane 