Ahimsa. Non Harming.
It is SUCH a difficult concept to follow.
Not in theory. The theory is easy. But there are so many “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” moments in life that, what’s going to “not harm” one person will just as readily harm the next. You work to “not harm” one thing only to simultaneously hurt another.
I used to think the world was just beautiful and just and wonderful. And these last several years have just smashed that outlook from me.
Part of it was societal. Part of it was personal.
I’ve been bitter, and jaded, and disappointed and offended.
But I’ve also been blessed beyond belief and having no reason to be any of those other things.
At the end of the day, all of that was for no reason. But in trying to be true to myself, in processing these feelings publicly, I fear I’ve inevitably harmed others. Because in “trying to understand,” I know I’ve thrown blame in all sorts of directions.
Years ago I convinced myself that no one was truly paying attention to me. That everyone was too focused on themselves.
While I still mildly believe this, I also fear that more people were paying attention to my processing my pains and might have been offended by my sophomoric musings.
Granted, most discourse has been lowered in the last several years.
I don’t want to deny the process we took to get here, but I’m also embarrassed by the thrashing and confusion I’ve had along the way. Even if I *didn’t* offend anyone else, I’ve harmed myself.
And at the heart of Ahimsa, I’ve failed.
Ah, to be a human. Living and learning and growing and evolving.
I want to share everything I know and, yet, I literally know nothing.
Namaste.
Erika Diane 