So life is a constant battle. Buddhism has always resonated with me from an early understanding that with attachment – ownership, entitlement, claim, love, desire – comes the risk of the loss of that object. To avoid suffering, avoid desire.
But the practicality of that reality in this day, age and society is…. Well, it’s not. Complete detachment is just not practical where and when we are.
So we laugh, love and want, accepting the future disappointment, loss and sadness that may (or may not) accompany us in the future.
Everything is a gamble. You fall in love with someone and can’t ever imagine a day without them, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to be the one to make their final arrangements.
The day after we got back from San Francisco, David lost his grandmother. He and I have continued on with our respective jobs, maintaining some level of normalcy, all with the reality hanging over us that life has irreversibly changed. There’s no undoing this event. There’s no going back and saying what you didn’t say.
Today her furniture was moved out of her apartment. That just makes it all even more real.
So. If you’ve ever wondered “what you should say” to someone going through loss, don’t. Just don’t say anything. Let them know you’re there, ask If they want to talk, give them a hug, offer them a hot beverage…. But I recommend not saying anything along the lines of “at least they’re not suffering anymore,” “life goes on,” or “everything happens for a reason,” because, while the person you’re speaking to MAY agree with you, they also may not. Plus, while you know in your heart of hearts that you’re trying to say something helpful and comforting, you also risk coming off as dismissing of the twenty fluctuating (and opposing) emotions that a loved one may be going through about their final moments with this person, the plans they had set but won’t get to fulfill, the fact that they won’t be getting their phone calls anymore, the guilt over their last conversation, the guilt over what was said, wasn’t said, wasn’t accomplished….
If someone wants to talk about their own way of looking at it (at that very moment), you can listen. If you’re at a loss for something to say, and you feel like you absolutely NEED to say something, a simple “I’m sorry” can suffice. Otherwise, there’s not really anything TO say.
Death is a reality of life. It’s the flip side of having loved and lived.
That doesn’t make it any easier, though.
Erika Diane 