“And once a boy has suffered rejection, he will find rejection even where it does not exist – or, worse, will draw it forth from people simply by expecting it.”
-John Steinbeck
It’s hard to stay optimistic. Period. I could say “it’s hard to stay optimistic in this society” or “it’s hard to stay optimistic past a certain age,” but the fact of the matter is it’s just hard to stay optimistic, period.
But I try.
The fact is, in any industry these days, life is hard. But it’s particularly difficult in the world of creative performance. When the difference between making a livable wage and not stands between how you present yourself during a three-minute monologue and how you stand up to a hundred other similarly-typed and highly talented performers, you’re undoubtedly and inevitably going to experience rejection. Most likely, more often than not.
As a coping technique, I’ve always been able to assure myself that I had “something else.” During my gymnastics vs. ballet days, if things were rough at the gym, “I know I’m more of a dancer.” If things felt competitive or harsh at the studio, I could always remind myself that I was (usually) the only one in the room who could do a flip. Then there were the college theater vs. dance days: “Oh, I wasn’t cast? Again? Well, they want me in the dance mainstage anyway.” Or else it was “Oh, you think I should lose 10 lbs.? Well, I’d rather be acting, so who cares what you think?”*
Anyhow, the last few years I’ve noticed my income comes from two separate industries: entertainment vs. education. Granted, in this regard, I mean “education” to mean “arts education”: dance classes, theater classes, acro for dancers, ballet for ice skaters…. Education has proven to be a more consistent and reliable source of work but entertainment (theater/dance/whatever) is… well, it’s my life blood. Telling stories, being a diversion from the heaviness of life… It’s my passion, and it’s why I’ve learned that I love to teach; I get to teach about the world that I love.
Then I discovered “So Good they can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport. Don’t follow your passions, develop skills that make you so good you can’t be ignored. WELL, CRAP. The fact of the matter is, I lived, breathed and continue to live and breathe ballet. I’m not a ballerina. I’m not even a ballet dancer. But I was a bunhead at a time in my life when my identity was being developed, whether I was paying attention or not. So it is officially a deep seated (and highly identifiable) aspect of everything that makes up Erika Diane Johnson. …Great.
And what if what I really want is to be taken seriously as a solid, emotionally in-tune, and deeply sensitive actor? Not type-cast as a privileged, middle-class, dancer white girl?
Too effing bad, because you’re a born dancer, you brat. You e already been defined and you came out as: a dancer. Albeit a “10-lbs. too heavy,” and your “arms are too thick,” and you’re far “too ballet-like,” but also “not earthy-enough” dancer, but you’re a dancer nonetheless. This has been the overwhelming repetitive message through the years, thanks to direct quotes, castings, feedback and job offers.
The reality is: WE ALL NEED TO STOP LISTENING TO THE OUTSIDERS. The world is going to reject you, and label you, and project expectations onto you, but in most situations it will have very little to do with the real you. It will always have more to do with “the other” person’s expectations of you, which just sucks. Especially when the majority of people in the world can be small minded morons.
Never let “the other” person’s insensitive judgment change your own view of yourself.
THIS IS WHY I WANT TO WRITE FOR CHILDREN.
There are a number of life lessons that, tested, tried and true, I want to pass on to the next generation. I was always headstrong, but life experiences have been a definite test through the years. People mostly behave the way you expect, but sometimes they don’t. Teachers usually have your best interests at heart, and their criticisms might be coming from a place of love and desire to help you, but sometimes they don’t.
This is why I loved the platform of teaching middle school theater. I was able to teach theater: the ups and downs of the techniques and influences of the stage but our conversations inevitably centered around human behavior, morality, social interactions and anything else “human.” I may have been teaching theater but I felt as though I was teaching about life. Teaching ballet is… a little more straightforward. There is a proper and an improper way to perform a plie, a tendu, a degage, a rond de jambe, a fondu, a frappe, a developpe, a grand battement, pirouettes, leaps, port de bras and on and on. If it was up to the skills model alone, I know what I’d be doing for the rest of my life. But it’s not.
So now that my platform has changed, and changed and changed, I have thought long and hard about what I want my legacy to be.
And optimism…. seemingly impossible on some days and nonexistent on others…. is part of who I want to be and what I hope the future will be.
*Actually, I always cared what they thought. A young girl NEVER hears “you need to lose 10 lbs.” without it tearing her to shreds. Keep that in mind as you raise your children.
And always treat yourself as beautiful. Because a) you are and b) the children are watching you to see how they should view themselves.
Erika Diane 